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by Mikaela Brewer ​for The 44 North, Senior Editor


Artwork by Logan Brewer
Artwork by Logan Brewer

Please note: this short story discusses cancer, climate catastrophe, mass death, and sexual assault. It may activate folks with similar lived experiences, beyond what feels safe to spend time with. Please engage with this story how/whenever it feels safe for you.


"Where did all the horses go? In Tamang mouth, ghost, and blossom come from the same root. In Tamang Tongue—there is no way to say this / in English."



***


Not many can say they’ve survived three flash floods, let alone in the same day. 


At 8:37 a.m. local time, as my mother slept just minutes away from her alarm, she drowned in the Gorkha district of Nepal, along the Nepal-Tibet border. As ice and rock collapsed from a glacier high in the Himalayas, water surged downstream via the Lhende Khola, Bhotekoshi, and Trishuli rivers, sweeping her home away with chunks of bridge, building, and road. Here in Canada, around 6:30 p.m. local time, a second flash flood rushed, unwanted, between my legs, in a dark supply closet at the end of my residency shift in the pediatric ward. The third poured as blood, minutes later, from a mouth a few floors down where my best friend was dying from cancer. 


That amount of water pressure should have powdered my bones. 


I limped out of the closet into the washroom across the hall, fell to the floor in the stall, and wept so there would be room for oxygen in my body. I must have fallen asleep because when I opened my eyes, my friend was sitting across from me, bare ass on the floor under her hospital gown, wiping crystallized tears off my face with her thin thumbs. The ceiling fan swished the stale air; the sound of waves coming again and again. My mouth tasted like salt.


“I’m going to bloody kill him,” Gelly said, her Irish accent thicker, it seemed, to compensate for her body’s withering. 


“I can’t take any more death today, Gelly.” Dr. Williams, the lead physician on the floor, had been making comments to me for months. This time, after the news broke from Nepal, he told me he wanted to comfort me—that he wanted to make me feel better. Still in shock, I vaguely remember giving in to him touching me. Soon, his want took over, and he was too strong to stop. I hadn’t told Gelly this yet. 


“I know, love, I’m sorry.” She paused and, maintaining a serious face, said, “We should’ve shaved my hair tomorrow instead.”


I couldn’t help but smile, yet it felt wrong. And I still didn’t know what to do—I was waiting for more news, more information. My mother was dead. My childhood home was erased.

 

“How did you get up here?” Gelly snuck out often to see me, as long as she was physically able. More and more often, she wasn’t.


Gelly looked at me long and hard. “I told the receptionist the truth.”


I nodded, but didn’t say much in reply. The homesickness washed nausea over me, and I quickly spun around to throw up in the toilet. I could feel Gelly’s hands on my back as a brace. When I’d finished, she said: “Well, maybe you have room for my plan now?” 


“Your plan?” 


“Aye, my plan. I made a new friend downstairs. She’s a cook.”


I looked at my watch: 2:13 a.m. “Gelly, I need to go home and sleep.”


“No, no, no. Well, yes. But not quite yet. Right now, you need yam curry.”


“Yam curry? How do you figure on making yam curry?”


Gelly pulled me to my feet, tidied my thick black hair, took my hand, and led me down the hall. The hospital lights were still on, but many were sporadically dimmed. It was an eerie place to be on a quiet night, especially after such a violent day. Everything was still functioning, but not quite fully, as if run by ghosts. It seemed there was less colour in the already drab labyrinth of hallways, diluting and draining away like my tethers to Nepal. The burn of disinfectant from whoever had mopped the floors made my eyes water as we rounded the corner to the staff kitchen.


A nurse, maybe a few years older than me with long black braids and warm brown skin, stood with her back to us. She was organizing ingredients on the table with a tender touch: Purple yam, ginger and garlic paste, asafoetida, ground turmeric, salt, cumin, and coriander, Kashmiri chilli powder, chopped tomatoes, bhat, Greek yogurt, Tama Ko Achar, and Hariyo Khursani Ko Achar. How she found these ingredients, I had no idea, let alone how she snuck them into the hospital. There was a Nepalese grocer in the city, but I’d always figured I was the only one in the building who knew where it was.


The woman turned around and smiled kindly, just enough to see her dimples propping up a spray of freckles.


“Seti, this is Niimi, my nurse downstairs.”


Niimi placed her hands on her hips. “Seti, would you help me?”


Exhausted, delirious, and still gripping Gelly’s hand, I nodded. Gelly let go, stepping shakily off to the side to sit in one of the kitchen’s chairs. I made eye contact, aware of her exertion, but she nodded toward the table and smiled. She was so thin that her entire face wrinkled, though she was only 23. It was her wisdom, laughter, and kindness made visible; I wanted to believe. 


I walked slowly toward the table, guided by my hands as if they were a puppet’s. I started peeling the yams, cut them into one-inch chunks, and covered them with water to preserve the colour and texture. I heated the oil, slowly folding in the ginger and garlic pastes until they softened. Into the pan I dusted the turmeric, yam, and salt until shimmering golden brown. My fingers slid in the chilli powder, cumin, and ground coriander to cook for a few minutes, then the tomatoes to cook for a few more under the lid. As I removed it and sprinkled in the fresh coriander, I became aware of my mouth. It watered not only because I was hungry, but because I’d been speaking of my mother the whole time. 


Gelly and Niimi had been asking me questions about Nepal—about my parents, about their horses, and about my mom’s recipes and flower garden. How she loved the chef Santosh Shah, but thought he didn’t quite make yam curry right. Niimi handed me ingredients as Gelly asked their names and origins in Tamang. I scooped the steaming curry onto 3 paper plates, complete with bhat, Tama Ko Achar, Hariyo Khursani Ko Achar, and Greek yogurt.


When I finally sat down, deeply sore in body, mind, and spirit, I looked into Gelly and Niimi’s faces. Gelly was dying far from a home scarred with war and oft-forgotten colonial violence. Niimi’s tribe’s lands were being sold for military and economic development. We had known such loss, and yet, we each remembered something that very early morning: Curiosity about life in the face of death; offering an able body as Earth, the largest we know, cries for help; and making from ancestral memories while devastation and violation threaten to unmake them. My hands had become my mother’s in this small kitchen across the world.


There’s a poem I adore from Nepalese poet Samyak Shertok, called “Mother Tongue: A Haunting.” One line has settled uncomfortably in my heart for a long time: “If to speak one’s mother tongue is to keep one’s mother alive, / I kill my mother daily.” Earlier in the poem, he also writes: “In Tamang mouth, ghost, and blossom come from the same root.”


There is formal support, I know, for sexual violence, grief, and palliative care. The way Gelly and Niimi are looking at me now, eating our makeshift yam curry, I know I won’t have to find or approach help alone.


I can’t speak Tamang fluently, but the best nourishment that evening was the grief and love cooked into the meal—ingredients as containers. Right now is all we have sometimes. Right now, maybe, is all we need to keep each other, and by extension my family, alive in the way we know how.


Resources:

A conversation between Rohit Doel & Senior Editor, Mikaela Brewer, for The 44 North


How are grief, isolation, and loneliness distinct but also braided together in friendships? And what do those distinctions/braiding look like specifically for disabled folks?


Photo by Hiroyuki Sen
Photo by Hiroyuki Sen

Mikaela Brewer (MB): I’d love to start with how grief has shown up for you recently?


Rohit Doel (
RD): For me, it shows up in flashbacks when I'm on a walk. I was on one the other day in this place, and I saw this spot which looked like a character, Mikasa, from an anime series called “Attack on Titan.” It brings back great memories of spending time with my close friends, and going to that spot reminds me of them. I do miss and grieve those times. That memory is there—and whether it'll reappear or happen again, I have no idea—and it [brought] a sense of grieving the past. I think of my friends when I pass by the park where we used to play on the swings or go to the seaside. 


And then, sometimes when I’m looking at old text messages—especially from my [birth] mother who abandoned me—it brings out rough memories. In January, after watching a football match, I saw at least 10-15 missed private calls. I thought, “Who the heck is calling me at this time?” 
And it was her. She [spoke] in such an aggressive tone that it stunted me and brought me to tears. It was brutal. 


Certain video games also bring up grief, especially The Last of Us, which I played with two friends—one of whom passed away. It’s interesting because they’re good memories from when we played together, but they have side effects. She’s no longer there, and that’s a memory, too. We’ll get to a location or a task in the game that she was with us for, and it’s like reliving her absence. Those hurts stick. 


Wishing someone was still here when they’re not anymore affects you in strange ways, even if they’re still alive. My mom’s side of the family decided they didn’t want to talk to me again, and I don’t know why. It blew up as I tried to get in contact with them. Respecting a decision that isn’t yours is grief, too.


At the same time, I wonder, “What if?” What if it could be different? What if it wasn’t like this? Grief makes you look at memories, but it also makes you question them. 
When I go through grief, it’s a lot of reflecting and questioning, which can be a lot and quickly become a bit too much. It can stunt you and freeze you. Others might say to “Get over it,” but I generally think that grief isn’t something you get over—you get used to it over time. It'll stick with you regardless.


MB: Yes. In my own experience, [grief is] definitely something I've learned to carry. Maybe it takes a different shape or feels less sharp over time. But you're right: It will pop up in very simple moments. You’ll have a nice memory of someone, but there’s also the hole that they're not filling—that’s what hurts. And that can feel so isolating and lonely because there’s some truth in that feeling: Only we can feel the absence of somebody in the way that we had a relationship with them. At the same time, maybe we feel more ease about navigating grief when we’re in community. So I’m wondering if you’d like to talk about that too: Does grief feel isolating or lonely to you? And what barriers to community are there?


RD: You know, I’m very much on my own and in my own flat most of the time. The main thing that keeps me going is my two close friends; I’ve strengthened my relationship with them. 
But also the fact that I've met a few friends on Discord channels. I want to be honest: In real life, making a community or building any sort of friendship is very, very difficult. College was rough—I made one or two friends, but over time, they became distant. 
At this age, making friends is tricky, and for me, most of the time, I have one or two friends in real life and the rest online. We’re all close with each other in a unique way. My only wish is to live closer to them—it would make things much easier. 


I think about my community as safe people because they're quite secure. I can be whoever I want to be around them. 
It's a nice, relaxing place to be where you're not going to be questioned or judged. If I find it, I find community and solace through the people I’ve met on Discord, the people on PlayStation, and sometimes through you. I don't know why I'm giggling now—I think it's just my way of coping with that fact. 
How is it for you?


Via the Smithsonian
Via the Smithsonian

MB: Well, one thing I love that you mentioned is mending relationships—and I know it was a tumultuous time when things were unravelling. 
But if part of community is safety, part of safety is conflict and how you remain a safe person for others and for yourself through it. I’ve been thinking about that a lot in my relationships. In what ways do we navigate disagreement, conflict, and the ways we’re hurt by the world in the context of grieving? Five or six people in my life have died since December 2025, which is a lot. Two of them I was quite close with. And what I've noticed in these past few months is that when I'm angry or when I don’t feel like my best self. I’m trying to ask: How do I maintain relationships with people or talk to them in that case? Or how can they be more patient/understanding? In terms of navigating grief, these elements are less “romanticized.” It’s a messy process, like you said. So often, when we're grieving, especially with other people, we’re angry or don't show up the way we'd like to. 


RD: I agree. With grief, there are weird things that happen to your psyche. I feel happy one day, and another time soon after, I don’t know what the hell is going on. You fall out of control, not necessarily in a bad way, but in a way that you can't really question.


One thing I’ve learned about grief is that there’s no end point. 
I’m thinking about Stranger Things, particularly the final episode where 
Hopper is talking to Mike about Eleven’s death. It stuck with me. 
Hopper says something like: “You have two roads ahead of you. There’s one road where you can replay everything that happened, kick yourself, and keep blaming yourself. Or, there's the second road where you can accept what's happened even though you don't agree with it or like what happened. You can accept her decision, and you can accept that it wasn't your fault.” 
He doesn’t say to move on from it, which I liked. The grief will always stick with you, but at least there can be peace. 


That scene hasn’t left me because there are things in my life that I wish had happened. I wish that 
I had most of my family with me, but I don’t. And sometimes I wonder, question, and reflect. I say, “Why, how?” Eventually I did accept what happened, even though I don't like the resolution. And sometimes that's what brings me a bit of comfort and peace. 
Grief doesn’t always offer closure. It annoys me when people can but don’t give closure. That might be one of the worst things you can do as a human being. 
Maybe some situations don’t deserve it, but I think we should consider closure because there’s a whole other person on the other end. We’re not AI or robots.


Ultimately, there's peace in that sense of accepting loss, but surrounding yourself with people you love remains the main thing. I really do miss people, in a lot of ways, all the time. Even with my close friends, soon after I hang up a call, I immediately miss them a lot. I don't know why, even though I know they’re just going to bed. I can’t get rid of the racing feeling of waiting for them to come online again. I quite literally tell myself: “What's going on? Whoa, slow down. 
We're going to meet again.”


Via the Cleveland Museum of Art
Via the Cleveland Museum of Art

MB: I feel that too, truthfully. And I wonder if it’s connected to how isolated and lonely we are in so many other parts of our lives. 
We're all craving that sort of connection, built into our day. Does that make sense? 


RD: Yes, and the funny thing is, I do think our humanity, as we know it, has become more robotic in a way. 
Two weeks ago, I deleted my Twitter account because it felt too robotic. There are too many bots. The generative interaction that once existed is completely dead and feels over. But I do feel like a lot of this is tied to how much we work—the pure amount of time that people are working. It’s 40-, 50-, 60-hour work weeks with limited breaks. Socializing and interacting with people [outside of work] is a must, really. And sometimes, I do feel afraid of a future where I'm too isolated. And look, I don't mind spending time on my own, but sometimes not all the time. It's uncomfortable for a reason. That's why I spend time with people even as background noise, just so I know someone's there.


MB: Yeah. I wonder if we’re actually, in fact, grieving that absence of connection, without identifying it as such. 
It's grief. You're right: So many of our relationships are work-related, which have this particular performance attached to them. 
You perform in your job; you're not your most authentic self (as much as you can try to be). It's still “professional” in the sense that 
you're not as able to be as fully yourself as you might be with friends or family. So maybe we grieve that—the absence of that. And maybe that’s what we feel after we spend time with people. 
We feel a strange kind of hangover. 


RD: Yeah, it’s a weird aftereffect, but so important to recognize.


MB: I’m grateful we're talking about it because I've never thought of it that way. You just opened my brain like the math meme. Thank you for this.


RD: Of course. Thank you. I enjoyed speaking with you!


Rohit Doel


Rohit is a poet & disability justice activist. Connect with him on Instagram here.
Rohit is a poet & disability justice activist. Connect with him on Instagram here.

A conversation with Senior Editor, Mikaela Brewer, for The 44 North


Editor's Note:


In late July, I had the absolute privilege of speaking with Patrick de Belen on a warm afternoon in Trinity Bellwoods Park, near his brother's memorial bench. I'm immensely grateful. I hope our conversation reaches you in some way.


Photo by Cameron Peters
Photo by Cameron Peters

On The Last Note & The Experience of Grief


Mikaela Brewer (MB): I would love to start with your documentary, The Last Note. 


Patrick de Belen (PDB): Yes, The Last Note is an experimental documentary—an intersection of the Filipino immigrant experience, mental health, and suicide. It's also about the many different kinds of grief that come with being an immigrant family. And then, of course, it’s about losing someone—my little brother—and my attempt at trying to fill in the blanks that are left from suicide (alongside the acceptance that some blanks are never filled). It's full of music and art, because we were both artists, and also Toronto; the documentary was shot in the city with a few shots in the Philippines. It’s a Toronto story, and that was important to me because any young person who's grown up here will relate to it. We worked on it for 5 years, and finished at the beginning of 2026.


MB: I love what you said about how there are some things you don't find answers to—some gaps you can't fill. 
There are connections with archival work there—of our own lives, others' lives, and people we’ve lost in particular—and trying to piece things together. In bearing witness to your brother’s life, how did that shape your understanding of grief? Did it change the language around it, or the way you write poems, or engage with music, journals, and memory?


PDB: 
Yeah. I’ve been a storyteller my entire life, and professionally as an artist for 12-13 years. 
I think about storytelling as preservation—as a way of memorializing people—and that’s always been embedded in my work. I’ve written about grief for years, alongside mental health and suicide. And as someone who deals with suicidal ideation, it’s long been a theme across what I write. 


Working on the documentary specifically, while experiencing losing my brother to suicide, I felt a dramatic and drastic confrontation with these themes. When it’s just you, there's time—a lifetime to explore, change, and learn. 
But when [my brother died], it was so intense and sudden. It was a flood of new information, along with new emotions about grief that weren’t there before. 


It’s easy to talk about grief in a removed way, as a theme and as a concept, but when you go through it so intensely, the way you learn it is different. It’s all-consuming and overwhelms you. A lot of the documentary is that. 
It shows a person who thought they knew what grief was—thought they knew what mental health and suicide was—and then became totally immersed in it. That was the difference. I learned, in almost a desperate way to cope, and that led to this project. You can hear that desperation—needing information fast—because I didn’t think I could go another day without figuring out how to live with this huge hole. I was throwing little grains of sand into the hole, trying to fill it. That was it: The intensity and the urgency of learning. 
And you can tell in the documentary. That’s what's changed. But I also started to realize what the more cliché information about grief was—the platitudes I wasn’t really aware of before. 
For example, saying, “Time heals everything,” or, “God has a plan.” We say these to people from our own discomfort when they’re dealing with grief. Now, I realize how shallow those words were. All of this was sudden, intense, and all-consuming, and with that came a desperation to find answers fast.


Photo by Cal Campos
Photo by Cal Campos

On An Artist’s Sense of Responsibility


MB: Absolutely. And losing somebody to suicide, while also having similar thoughts and feelings, do you feel an extra sense of responsibility there as an artist? To try to put grief into words, or try to find better ways of speaking with people about it, aside from the platitudes?


PDB: Yes, definitely a heightened responsibility. Being an older brother was my first role in life; it was the first role I understood. Even as a child, with the way my family was—we had a rough, turbulent childhood—I understood my role, and it was difficult to be a parentified kid. But an older brother was something I understood quickly. 
That will appear in my work for the rest of my life—in writing, mentorship, and providing platforms and opportunities for young people to receive guidance and see healthy pathways to growing up. That’s always been something I’ve been doing, so I already had that responsibility. 


When you identify so strongly as someone who cares about youth, then lose your little brother to suicide, that just heightens and highlights that responsibility. 
But also, in a way, it became a weight for a few years, and I didn’t know if I could continue to bear it after losing the young person that I’d been caring for and mentoring for their entire life. Five years later, I’m more comfortable with that heightened responsibility, which led to the film. 
There’s going to be another young person who watches it—who needs to see it and who I believe needs to see it. That’s what drove me to the end of finishing it many times. It wasn’t easy to finish. 



MB: Yes. And there’s that blending of grief and the creative process.


PDB: And it’s a tale as old as time. So much of my work is about that. 
And that’s why it’s crazy to me to think about the lack of grief literacy in our society, because we’ve been consuming content about it since we can remember. Whenever you listen to emo music or rap songs, there are themes of grief—it’s embedded in the media we consume, yet it doesn’t always translate to actual grief literacy. That gap is part of what I wanted this documentary to fill. 
I want people to enjoy it as if enjoying any other piece of media, but leave with concrete tools to build more grief-literate relationships.


Photo by Herman Custodio
Photo by Herman Custodio

On Silence & Loudness


MB: I love that, and it’s a beautiful segue into something I wanted to ask you about, which is a phrase a person I used to work with said: That there’s a difference between the generative silence that leads to art versus the abysmal silence that leads to things like suicide. I’m curious if you have thoughts on that phrasing, or if it was part of your process putting the documentary together (or putting poems together)?


PDB: Could you tell me more about what generative silence is to you? 



MB: To me, it’s that quiet when words come to me, or an inspiration period where you have moments of thinking: “These words need to go into this poem.” 


PDB: Yeah: The good versus bad quiet—good silence, bad silence. After losing my little brother, I quickly ran to the Philippines—for months. There were weeks on end where I didn't say a word. 
I'd be by the ocean, either working on poetry or the film, in almost complete silence. I didn’t say much, except to my parents. In that way, the silence was a good thing. But the abysmal silence isn’t silence in its obvious sense; it’s more an unwillingness to have conversations that are important to have. And that’s a theme in the film: The idea that there’s so much that went unsaid, whether within my family or within Filipino culture as a whole, when it comes to suicide and mental health. 
That's why the documentary itself, I would say, is so loud, even though the process of creating it was very quiet. The actual piece itself is loud, top to bottom. The quietest part is the end. It’s almost a spite and anger towards that abysmal silence that led to such a loud project. Whether it’s the metal music or the explicit conversations around pain, grief, and suicide, that was my way of addressing that silence. I thought: “If we’re not going to talk about it for whatever reason, I’m going to make something that forces you to listen.” All of that discomfort was part of that process. 


It wasn’t a goal of mine to have this conversation with grace or gentleness. 
It was angry, and it was honest. It’s like that moment a kid yells at their parents for the first time. It’s always ugly, uncomfortable, and imperfect, but there’s a moment where you don’t feel seen in a place that you’re supposed to feel the most love and the most safe, and when you don’t, you no longer know how to communicate that properly. 
So you just yell. I feel that’s a good metaphor for parts of this documentary: It’s loud and confrontational. 


I do flow in and out of those [silences]. If anything, after this experience, I’ve become a lot more comfortable in the healthy, quiet silence, and it’s because I let so much out in the process of creating the documentary. 
It was cathartic; I was able to yell and wail, and again, that’s commentary on the silence within the Filipino community—whether the diaspora or back in the motherland—around mental health and suicide. And I think it’s intuitive: Some people know they’re supposed to have conversations, but the discomfort is what stops them. The culture and programming prevent the conversation from happening, which creates that [abysmal] silence. This project is very much here to criticize that, but also, ultimately, welcome people in. You cry, you yell at your parents, and then you apologize after. There’s a moment after you’ve yelled at them when they no longer see you as a kid. They can’t just [rely on] discipline, and you no longer see them as people who have to take care of you; they become just two people. Those are vulnerable moments of imperfection, and then ideally, you embrace each other [and apologize]. 
That’s in the film, too.


MB: Yes. When you give a voice to something, whether it’s a person, grief, or difficult topics—or spend time, I suppose, trying to figure out what that voice sounds like—then it comes out in a beautiful way. That’s what you've done, which is powerful, but also needed and beautiful. 



PDB: Thanks for calling it beautiful. 
I definitely think it’s the ugliest form of beauty. It’s not what people might consider beautiful off the bat. But you’re right, it’s beautiful in its ugliness and rawness. And that’s definitely the challenge of the documentary: To show ugly things and ask: Could this be something we need? And not only what we need, but what we can, by the end of the film, call beautiful? 
I believe we can, after watching it. 


MB: Yeah. Even if just in how you hold it. Maybe that’s the beauty: How you take [what you’ve held] into future conversations, to support people in your community or yourself, right? 


PDB: Yes. There’s a line in my poem, “Butterfly Knife,” which we’ll get to later, where I say: “Peace is something people died for.” 
And that’s always it. For a lot of what we consider beauty, we don’t understand the actual pain behind creating it. There’s a wider narrative here: Thinking we deserve beauty and joy without suffering. I understand it, but we also don’t look at the ugliness that came before all the beautiful things we love in the world, which is ultimately what allows us to feel that sense of beauty. And connected to the silence, Filipinos don’t like talking about this. 
The documentary is all about that. My Lola is in it—my grandma talking about her first confrontation with the idea of depression, wrestling with what it means. You can see that on screen: This person who grew up in the worst, poorest neighbourhood in the Philippines, learning about what depression is through the death of her grandson by suicide. I got to see that on camera, which was probably one of my favourite parts.


Photo by Matthew Guarrasi 
Photo by Matthew Guarrasi 

On Art from Scars & Wounds


MB: I can imagine. 
There are so many layers there. And it’s interesting you mentioned the poem—this is a bridge into the community work you do. There’s an idea a mentor told me (I've also heard it floating around) that when you’re an artist, and you’re creating things from personal experience, you should try to write from a scar instead of an open wound. This is also connected to something I was going to mention earlier: What we hold onto versus what we let go of, and how we let all of these things coexist in art. I’m curious how you resonate with that concept, or how true you think it is? Because we’ve been talking about the rawness necessary to represent something fully, which lends more towards an open wound. In an art sense, how do you create something that’s going to resonate with and reach people, while also being [true to] your own experience? 


PDB: You know, I go back and forth with this concept a lot. As a spoken word artist working with young people, empowering them to explore their voice for the first time, I [witness] a lot of ‘open wound’ content because they’re deep in what they’re going through. And then, what you sometimes see—and this depends on guidance, facilitation, and the relationship between mentor and mentee—is that through writing and creating about an open wound, they begin to heal. 
The art itself becomes medicine. That’s why, sometimes, I’m critical of the concept of only writing from a scar versus an open wound. Because some people write to cope. Am I not supposed to create until my wound is relatively healed? Can I not use my art to cope now, like I’ve used my art to cope my entire life? 


I feel this is part of the overly-therapized language we constantly use: A utopian idea that struggle doesn’t need to be considered when talking about the best version of making things, or the healthiest version of making things. I agree that it’s the ideal future—where people only write from scars—but the reality is, people are open wounds all around us, and sometimes art is their way of healing. I don’t want anyone to stop creating from something just because it’s not healed. If you do, you also stop the potential for that art to be part of your healing process. What if it expedites it, helping you heal in a way that makes you feel joy faster or sooner, which could be great for people who deal with suicidal ideation, especially? If talking about suicide helps me feel less alone, which in turn helps me feel less like I want to die, don’t tell me to stop because my wound is still open. That’s my criticism of the concept. 



However, I do believe that some of the best work I’ve done isn’t after I’ve healed, but later on in my healing journey where [I have] more perspective. That life lived gives me more to work with, because then I can work around the story. I can leave the pain and look at other people, the world, and relationships. 
A lot of my work is [strong] now because I’m farther away from its [catalyst], but that doesn’t mean the work I wrote inside the pain was bad. It was uncomfortable. 
It was raw. And I think that’s part of why it was good. A lot of people are still listening to Nirvana while many criticize how unhealthy Kurt Cobain was. This is a fact—he was unhealthy—but there’s a reason why people still gravitate towards his music. It’s because they’re in open wounds [themselves], needing to see and hear something written by someone else in an open wound. That’s still, to me, a healing relationship—you feel less isolated in the feeling. 


As you can tell, I have a back and forth with that concept. 
It might be too binary, and lacking nuance. 
It comes from people’s discomfort with watching art that’s too uncomfortable, honest, or triggering, which is another pattern in overly-therapized language. We’re [taught] to protect people from truth or from watching hard things, but as someone who’s written about hard things my whole life, it’s part of my MO. It’s natural for me to push back against that without removing the actual health part of it—that’s still important.


MB: They coexist. These things don't cancel each other out. You’re so right about overly-therapized language. And also, the idea of being fully healed [isn’t real]—it’s not what happens. 
You gather additional life experience, maybe, that lends to how you think about or process something. And then you put it into words. The healing journey, or however you want to conceptualize it for yourself, is long and exists in non-linear time. 


PDB: Like grief. 
Grief is nonlinear, right? A scar can be an open wound again. 



MB: Because you pick the scab or someone/thing else picks the scab. 


PDB: Exactly. 
To have to wait to create until there’s a scab or a scar, to me, isn’t lending well to a conversation around nonlinear grief. My wound might be open 5 years later, and I'm still going to write from there. 


There are so many examples in history of people caring for others grieving the worst, darkest moments. And if we truly want to adapt this idea of community into an anti-capitalist way of existing, part of doing so is understanding our capacity for care and listening to people. 
Stop telling people to heal faster so that we can listen to them and feel less uncomfortable. That’s not it. Hold them in their darkest moments. Be there for them. Sometimes, you don’t require the trauma-informed, institutional training to [support someone]. 
Sometimes we can just show up, even in that discomfort.


Photo by David Grant 
Photo by David Grant 

On Friendship & Decolonizing Grief


MB: Yes. There’s such a conversation [centring] palatable ways of talking about grief, especially around love. And I do believe grief and love are intertwined—they always are. But grief is intertwined with anger and rage, too. When you’re writing, how does that feel for you? Do you see grief as resilience? I wonder if we’re decolonizing it by reckoning with what it brings up—fully. 


PDB: I love how you said that. Decolonizing grief is a crazy concept—I don’t think I’ve heard that yet. But yes, it’s leaving room for the harder parts. There’s a modern narrative around grief and mental health that’s an indirect byproduct of capitalism; it’s an unwillingness to be a true community and care for each other. [Grief] then becomes prettier—Instagram-packaged, [assuming] I can read [a post] about grief and [instantly] feel better about myself as someone who’s either grieving or supporting someone in grief. Really, though, the whole point is to sit in the not knowing, and acknowledge that you’re in intense pain and don’t know how to fix it. Capitalism makes us all want to fix things so we can go back into society and become working labourers once again. But we can choose to sit with people in [their grief]. And it’s going to suck, but I’m going to bear witness to it, and that’s it. Maybe I’m going to send you an Uber Eats order later, and you might not even go outside to get it, but I’m going to send it to you anyway. It’s this idea of care, and being a witness to people in grief. It doesn't need any more language. It needs, if anything, us to simplify it. We’ve over-complicated the process. What does it mean to be a friend? Have you had a friend in kindergarten who witnessed the moment you lost a favourite toy? When you cried and had a tantrum, what did your friend do? How did you maintain that relationship? 
Let’s go back to that and less [toward] trying to know the “right ways to say things,” you know? 


MB: Absolutely. And I think we have to stop telling our friends, “I can’t handle that. You should go to a therapist.” It comes from a place of thinking we don’t have the tools or skills. And maybe that’s true for certain things. But we can show up—there are always ways we can show up. 



PDB: 100%. That’s why friendships these days—and our commitment to friendships—have changed. Maybe, generally, things like social media have shifted them, but we also pretend there’s a necessity for institutional help as a way of avoiding conflict. We forget that conflict is what makes relationships stronger. Instead, we [back away] when something feels too hard to talk about, and we say, “Please go somewhere else to do that.” 


Before the institutions existed, it was only us. What would we do? We’d mark your door, leave flowers, and do what we could. Maybe try to bring a meal. I don’t want to romanticize [the past] or all practices in it, because they weren’t always great. But there’s something to be said about how friendships have become more surface-level and low-commitment because of our unwillingness to have hard conversations. 


And there’s a difference between that and trauma dumping. That’s a different part of the story. If there’s one friend who’s constantly [consuming] the space and not sharing it with others, then yes, please tell them to chill and share the energy. But there’s a difference between that and me being unwilling to have hard conversations with my friend. 


MB: Exactly. 
Well said. Mic drop. 



PDB: Thanks. Sometimes I [worry] people think this is aggressive, or a hot take, but you know what? 
I’m ten toes. I stand on it. 


MB: But when we’re talking about grief, suicide prevention, and changing how we think about them, we have to be firm about it.


PDB: Yes. To me, there’s a level of urgency because we’re also dealing with collective grief. We’re watching death and war from around the world. 
And if we don’t get better at being a true community and caring for each other, I don’t know how we’re going to make it through these things.


Photo by Herman Custodio
Photo by Herman Custodio

On Mentoring & Relationships


MB: Exactly. This is a great transition into the role of a poet in community, being a facilitator, and the work you do there. The first thing I wanted to ask you is: How do you allow your own grief and life experiences to be visible when you’re mentoring, without, of course, making it about you, per se? When you’re teaching or guiding, how do you carry your own grief so others see you as somebody who’s not shutting it down within yourself?


PDB: Yes. Before I answer that question, a quote came to mind by Saul Williams: “A poet is the death doula for a dying empire.” 



MB: Well, my next tattoo is set.


PDB: Right? Saul Williams is so talented, but what a concept to think about. So, as a ‘death doula,’ guiding people through transitions, there are sensitivities around talking about your own story. But I always go back to when I used to do youth mentorship: 
I’d take these little kids to play basketball and talk about life. And when you think about being in school, and you [remember] your best teachers, most of the time, our favourite teachers were the ones who shared an authentic, personal moment with you. They sat kids down and said: “Man, I know this is fucking hard. 
It was hard for me. And I’m here for you.” That was an impressionable moment where they shared something beyond the hierarchical understanding of education. 
A good teacher is willing to bring lived experience into the classroom. Does that provide risk? 
Of course it does. But that’s the risk that comes with caring about the next generation. There’s risk because we have investment in it. 
We care. And with care comes risk. The conversation, for me, is not to avoid that, and rather, to learn how to protect ourselves and our students in the process. So when it comes to mentoring poets, it’s an intuitive thing. You’re [part of] the relationship, but not trying to impose your own growth or your own story. Instead, you’re trying to equip them with the tools they need to navigate their own growth. 
Sometimes that does come from sharing, “This is what I did, this is what worked, and this is what didn’t.” You have to trust that you’re guiding them toward becoming someone who can use their own discernment. Maybe there’s ego involved, and if there is, check yourself. I’ve made mistakes, too, but much like the conversation we had around grief, the goal for me is never to separate or create lines between people, but rather, to equip folks with better tools to go on this journey together, side by side. 



MB: I love that. And because we’ve been talking so much about grief: If anything to bring into those spaces together, it’s that. To have grief be a part of the journey for both mentor and mentee is [beautiful]—it’s one of the most universal, if not the most universal human experience. It’s something we will all feel in our lives, no matter what it’s connected to.


PDB: Exactly. 
The idea is not to ask how we take ourselves out of the equation entirely. It’s more about saying, “We both share this naturally, so let me help as someone who’s maybe been through it for longer or has more life experience.” 
How can we share this in a healthy way? 


MB: Yeah. And I don't think there’s a perfect answer. 


PDB: That’s what makes it great: It’s not perfect. 
I don’t want to see my mentor as a perfect person. That doesn’t help me learn from them. 
I want to see them in moments of brokenness and vulnerability. That makes me feel that it’s okay for me to go through it too. Mentors don’t have it all figured out. That’s such a lie.


MB: It really is. It reminds me of the moment you realize a parent or a teacher is another human—that they’re not on a pedestal where they don’t struggle with things. And that’s healing. 



Photo by Herman Custodio 
Photo by Herman Custodio 

On How Grief Makes Us Feel Alive


PDB: It’s an epiphany. 


MB: Yeah. It’s a beautiful exchange. Especially with grief, and especially right now, because of the way that everybody’s grieving—personally, globally, and collectively. It’s vital to acknowledge it because, in a strange way, grief makes us feel alive.


PDB: 
100%. You know, I don’t think I’ve ever said it in this way. 
And I don’t know if I’m going to get it right, but I do think that over the past five years, there have been moments where I’ve never felt more alive than after going through this intense grief. 


MB: Yes. And leaning into this idea that grief makes us feel alive, I wanted to ask you about your spoken word poem, “Butterfly Knife” from In Between the Lines. I wondered if grief always comes in twos—there’s always the griever and the grieved. Maybe there’s a kind of carrying that happens there. But then, I noticed there are actually two butterfly knives in the image for the track. We started our conversation with butterflies, which symbolize growth and rebirth. So I’m curious what the process of putting that poem together was like, considering how all of these things are related?


PDB: Yeah. It’s everything we've talked about: This practice of carrying multiple things at once in a world where we want something so packaged and easily understood. I think of the workshops I do with grief, and this journey toward understanding that we can hold all aspects of grief at the same time. And “Butterfly Knife” is that, too. It’s the hurting and the healing. The joy and the grief, the gratitude and the grief. A lot of my work is constantly asking: What about this, and this, and this, and this, and this? Can this all be at the same time? And I get how that can be hard to understand and hold, but it’s such a liberating feeling when you realize that we can—that we’re able to. Once we do, we can see love and care in their most human forms, and the world gets better. 
I really do [believe that]. 


On Specific Projects & What’s Next


MB: Agreed. I was definitely a better person after reading/listening to that poem. Thank you. And I suppose the very last thing I wanted to give you space to talk about is a few specific projects you’re working on: Empty Spaces, The Rebel House, and Youth Poetry Slam.


PDB: It’s impossible for a full departure from the themes we’ve been talking about, but yes: 


Empty Spaces is a grief writing workshop series. I’ll run it again in the fall, and it’s funded by the Toronto Arts Council. 
It’s another beautiful byproduct of my own personal experiences with grief, and how I’ve been opening up to the community to help people use storytelling as a tool to explore their own grief. I’ve run it a few times now, and it’s been amazing. As someone who does grief counselling, too, it’s another level of healing when you get to witness other people’s grief consistently, and then watch them alchemize it into art or storytelling. If I could spend the rest of my life doing that, I would.


The Rebel House is my residency where, as a commentary on the oppressive, destructive history of museums, I like to reactivate and sometimes reclaim the space by introducing stories by folks who are often in the margins, or are racialized storytellers. That manifests as showcases, workshops, and other pieces in the museum and around the museum space. 
That’s happening now into next month, and into the fall as well with some dinner shows. 


Finally, the Toronto Youth Poetry Slam. It’s another platform I’ve been running for years, where young poets like me look for a place to say something—a place for others to witness their stories. We just had our festival a couple of weeks ago, and it was awesome: 200 people from across the city came to support youth sharing poetry. They’re so talented. We’ll be back again in September. 


As an adult, I know what I needed when I was younger. Now, I’m part of a team of awesome people who are going through these same realizations, creating platforms for other young people to have that opportunity. 


MB: Oh, I love that. And as you were talking, I thought of something we briefly touched on earlier: How important it is to document our lives and help others document their lives, whether that’s through poetry or archival work (such as in the museum), and especially for immigrant communities and people whose voices aren’t heard. That is grief work. I love how all of [your projects] intersect, and the role that you have as both a creator and a guide for how to approach grief from different angles.


PDB: That was a great way to tie this conversation together with a ribbon. Thanks a lot for doing this.


MB: Of course. 

About Patrick de Belen

Photo by Cameron Peters
Photo by Cameron Peters

Patrick de Belen is a Toronto-based Filipino-Canadian storyteller, arts educator, spoken word poet, writer, and filmmaker. His work—spanning poetry, film, and multidisciplinary projects—delves into themes of mental health, Filipino identity, liberation, community, grief, and healing.


Renowned for his poetic collaborations with the Toronto Raptors, the NFL, CBC, and more, Patrick has released two spoken word EPs and written/directed multiple cine-poems. He made history as the youngest poet to win a national poetry slam championship and has been honored with both the Canadian Poet of Honour and Youth Poet of Honour titles, along with several other storytelling accolades. Over the years, he has shared the stage with artists like The Roots, Shane Koyczan, and The Halluci Nation.


His short documentary, Tell Me A Story About Someone You Miss, was a finalist in the 2023 TVO Short Doc Competition, and he is currently in post-production for his debut feature documentary, Last Note—the recipient of the inaugural Kalabaw Bursary from the Reel Asian Film Festival.


Beyond his artistic work, Patrick is a dedicated educator and community builder, collaborating with schools, libraries, non-profits, addiction centers, jails, and mental health organizations to champion diverse storytelling and create space for voices often unheard. 


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