"When in doubt - be kind, be honest, be direct. Most importantly, appreciate the lessons your friend has brought into your life and give yourself permission to choose who is in your life."

 

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As we grow and navigate the infinite twists and turns of life we may often find ourselves in a particularly difficult and awkward fork in the road - outgrowing a friendship. While there are endless articles, books, podcasts, and movies about the end of romantic relationships, we often don’t speak about what happens when a friendship has run its course. However, the end of these relationships can be just as hard and painful to deal with. While it is always challenging, learning how to navigate outgrowing friendships is vital.

 

There are so many reasons why a friendship may end. Sometimes it’s hard to recognize when that time has come, especially when we may not feel that the friend has done anything wrong. Sometimes, friendships become hard or even painful to maintain, and moving on is for the best. Here are a couple of signs that you may have outgrown your friendship, and how you can move forward gracefully and respectfully. 

 

1. You no longer look forward to spending time together. 

Your friend asks you to hang out. You agree, but secretly, you’re dreading the event; as the day draws nearer you begin to feel more anxious. Friendships should be energizing and help to bring out the best in us. If you’re starting to silently wish your friend cancels so you don’t have to see them, it may be a good time to reconsider the friendship. 

 

2. You feel guilty at the thought of ending the friendship.

First, examine why you are feeling guilty. Maybe you already know you want to end the friendship, but your friend helped you through a difficult time in the past, so you feel you “owe them”. Consider how you would feel if you knew someone was only maintaining your friendship out of guilt. It wouldn’t feel good, and it’s just as unfair to them as it is to you. Acknowledge the guilt, figure out where it’s stemming from, and give yourself permission to let go.

 

3. You don’t have anything in common anymore. 

Some friendships grow out of a shared interest, hobby, activity. Maybe you met in class or at work. If you’re finding that the only common connection was your shared activity, interest, etc., and that common thread no longer exists, it may be a sign that you’ve outgrown this connection. And that’s okay! There are some people that are meant to only come into our lives for a short time. 
 

4. You’ve lost respect for them. 

Often as we age, we may have friendships that were formed when we were young that no longer make sense. We are vastly different people at 10, 18, 30, and onwards! The truth is we never stop evolving, even if some things stay with us always. Perhaps you’re finding that a friendship you’ve had for a long time no longer makes sense with who you are today. Maybe they say or do things that disappoint you. Know that just because you’ve been friends for a long time, doesn’t mean they need to be your friend forever. Ask yourself if this is a person you would befriend if you met them today. If not, it may be time to re-evaluate. 

 

Depending on the type, length, and intimacy level of the friendship, there are different approaches in moving forward. If your lives have simply moved in different paths, a conversation may not even be needed. If they are a very close friend, you owe it to them to have a discussion and explain the change in your relationship. Maybe you simply need to take a step back, but if you feel you can no longer be friends, let them know in a gentle, respectful, and kind manner. How would you like to be told if the roles were reversed? There’s no need to be overtly negative or point out their faults. Be clear with how you’d like the friendship to change, explain why (sometimes vague is best, especially if the reason may be hurtful), and let them know that you respect them but cannot offer them the level of friendship any further. 
 

When in doubt - be kind, be honest, be direct. Most importantly, appreciate the lessons your friend has brought into your life and give yourself permission to choose who is in your life. 

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